Ondraya

remember all those years ago...
when we first met

it was the first day of kindergarten
our lips were tightly clenched

but we hung on the monkey bars
and we flew down the slides

we told each other secrets
while we shared our milk and pie

the years flew by to junior high
where our bond would never die

on the playground each day like clockwork
we held each others hand

then one day they scorned us
and questioned of our faith

so you let go of my hand
and spoke of your "religion"

i had never heard of such words
and suddenly i was failing

i felt i was the demon you spoke of
worth less then an old tire

our words became short
to not even a recognizable smile

you said i had corrupted you
that evil ran through my veins

i felt nothing but love for you
and knew nothing of this devil...

you claimed i had used you up
and left you to rot and parish

its been a full decade now
and my mind still wants to wonder

if the feelings you had from then
are still and always the same

follow your heart
and your head goes blind

im not optimistic
im not a realist

follow your head
and your heart goes blind

im not optimistic
im not a realist

im a loser
and im an achiever

im the possibility

All I see

in a world
i gave up on

i felt the end
but the people didnt give up
there is death
but there is life

the sky fell
hell froze
and pigs flew

all i see
is exactly what i didn't see
possibilities...

the world isnt giving up
which in turn is not giving up on me

im climbing that mountain
im just waiting to reach the top
to spread my wings and fly

I've heard, when we pass, our animal friends who have passed are the first ones to greet us. What a wonderful thought. :D I will have an enormous crowd awaiting me as I arrive.

I use to save animal lives. :D Best time of my life.

Peace.

Mouse
Playful
all the kittens i couldnt save :(
Flower
Bert
Sugarpuff
Yacko
Wacko
Gus 1 & 2
Sylvester
Jimmy
Dot
Dotty
Mudd
The old horse
Bubbles
Molly
Sinder
Tweezle
Chip
Sasha
Duk :(
Damien
Draven
Buddha
Anarchy
Bobby
Alex!
Homer!
all the feathered friends
Slugger :(
Black and white
Pokey
The black and white cat who was cross eyed.... buttons
Kya :(
The black kitten i gave to that guy
Orange, omg orange :( this one really made me shed a tear
and her sister :( :(
Billie
And sooo many more.

I grew up taking any animal that needed help.
When someone found an animal in need, we were the answer.

From pigeons to horses. R.I.P. all of you. You all are loved, and will always be... :)

John Lennon - Love

Love is real, real is love,
Love is feeling, feeling love,
Love is wanting to be loved.
Love is touch, touch is love,
Love is reaching, reaching love,
Love is asking to be loved.
Love is you,
You and me,
Love is knowing,
We can be.
Love is free, free is love,
Love is living, living love,
Love is needing to be loved.

HaHA ahh yeah

if there was ever a moment i would want to stand still, it would be now

if there was a feeling to sum up the word perfect, this would be it

theres not enough hours in the day, to do all i want

theres not enough smiles, not enough laughs

every second i have, every breath, every song

this is it

this is all i have ever wanted

i know its taken me many lives

this will last forever

nothing can over power it

nothing

I'm so freakin bored right now its not even funny. P.S. Zoey is the best. Here's some pics a video, and a few pics of MY flowers from my garden! the big ones are hydrangeas, beautiful.













































































And here's Molly. She's the most awesome dog ever. We got her when i was about 10. She's such a goof, it's awesome. I love her to death. Shes Husky/Lab/German Shepard. She's the sweetest dog you could ever meet!!

I need to watch things die
From a good safe distance
Vicariously, I
Live while the whole world dies
You all feel the same so

Why can't we

Just admit it

***

Tonight...

Caution is out the window, temptation gets the night.

I Hate Myself And Want To Die.

Sappy.

Oh Me.

Vicarious.


*** Whoo hoo, my- recycled somewhat organic - paper just got here yay. Here's a link Recycled Mulberry Paper.

- WARNING: Dextromethorphan, in all its impure forms, is very dangerous, not to mention stupid, so stay away from it. Thanks!

Walking in and out of clouds


i did it more times alone then not
company was the last thing i wanted, that's one of its best tricks

i watched that video over and over, i know this...
because there's no way it lasted endless hours

there were no words, everything i wanted to express at this point
had no relation with the sounds that came from my lips

that ache of vomit and death, that creep up behind you
as the drug intrudes your body, are just a faint memory now

if you frequent this place, a requirement is chain smoking
i could of sworn that cigarette had eternal life

the taste of colors were far to great to deny
they went in perfect unison with those flawlessly distorted movements of sound
that complimented your insignificant waste of space

81 words

Speed test

STILL, One of the best videos ever.

SOAD - Chop Suey

Am i getting dreads..... Yes or No...

I love you

And also, It's my Dad's Birthday. Happy Birthday Rudy!

My profits between selling online, and in person were pretty good for the first month :D. I didn't really think anyone would go for the stuff, but some really like it :D. I couldn't be happier. I'll never be a millionaire, but doing what i love, which is creating with my hands, i could not be more blessed.
I now have more courage to put some of my other things out there. If it fails, who cares. I'm doing something that i love.

I'm buying soap supplies today! I couldn't be more excited. I can't wait to send out more gifts. Giving makes me happy. And i like to be happy :D.


Mudvayne - Nothing to gein

Incubus - Make Yourself

I might be taking classes to learn how to be a glassblower! It's like 700 bucks :( so we shall see. And I'm planning a trip for august/september, I'm really hoping i can go to burning man! If not, then I'm not sure where I'm going, or with who. :D

Thanks for stopping by.

The day you ripped my heart out
held it up for me to see
threw it on the ground
to stomp on it
only turning back to spit on it before you walked away...
was the first day i felt real
and accepted life for what it really is

thank you

you asshole

Want some handmade Organic soap? From scratch!

I'll be Short and sweet here..... New Project Runway, AND Avatar in July! I'm so excited I can't handle it!!

Lame.... oh.. i still haven't been drinking! Yay. I'm not quiting, just takin a break i guess.

Oh yeah..... I'm gonna be making ORGANIC from scratch soap. Handmade soap is the mutherfucken best!!!! If i have your address, be warned now, your getting some of my free soap :D. It will be as organic as i can possibly get it, and from the best oils, and butters i can get. It will be one of the best soaps you will ever use, and i bet you wont ever want to use that crap they sell in stores ever again. That shit is nasty. So expect some in a couple months ( i need time for the $$ investment, and curing time )! Anyone who reads this can have some, even if i don't know you. :D. For free of course!
Here's an example of some of the ingredients i will be using in different recipes :

Aloe butter
Avocado butter
Cocoa butter
Coffee butter
Shea butter

patchouli
chamomile
vanilla
coffee
aloe vera


And much more! Couple hundred dollar investment, but i'll be selling some :D.

I played with soap making about a year ago, and loved it!, but didn't really have the space, but now i do! Yay.


Peace! Come down and waste away with me ;P.

Foo Fighters - Everlong ( Acoustic Version )

Maynard & Deftones - Passenger

Marilyn Manson - The Minute of Decay

Chimaira - Pure Hatred GraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAA!!!!

Here's a poem for ya :D.

here she comes again
i cant put into words
of even the thought

i cant see the rain
but i can smell her perfume
even from a mile away

she flows, and glows
back and forth
almost never touching

every time i touch her face
i beat faster
but everything stands still

every time her hair hits her shoulder
i surrender to her
loosing myself every time

when we part i do not fret
i do not fall from the moment
i know i will dance with you again

Tonight i feel so lonely here.

Am i such a bad person? lately i wonder. Am I to much of a dreamer?

I can fight all night with myself. Who am i? Who are you?

Tonight I just don't know. It's one of those nights that feel awkward, and clumsy. Almost threatening. My skin is crawling and I need out.

Should I be looking for what everyone else is looking for? Should I be going about my business like everyone else does? The more I get to know myself, the more questions I have. The more I question whether I'm a good person or not. Do I have bad morals? I don't think so, but when you see others point of view, you start to wonder about your own.

Am I so wrong to enjoy what I do? Am I a loser? Am I a whore? Is it wrong of me to believe that one day, I will have a husband and a wife? Am I wrong to believe love can be shared between more then two people that way? Am I crazy?

I feel embarrassed of my doings. I feel others will leave me if they think I am strange. I feel incredible judgment towards me from others, even though I don't judge others.

Is that maybe a problem? The fact that I don't judge, so my views of myself and my doings are now distorted in some moral way?

Why is it one simple thing said, that wasn't even directed towards me, has me up questioning all this. Why am i even questioning? And why am i questioning my questioning?

I guess this is why i never let my mind get quiet.

Happy Birthday C. I miss you :D.

.. to be perfectly honest... (scroll down a bit for that part, it will show ***)

Okay, so for most of my life, there has been many people who don't like me. Now, besides all the people who didn't like me for how i look, or that i smoked weed, or for how i care so much about people ( yes! there have actually been lots who didn't like the fact that i could get along with everyone), there has been many people in my family who don't like me. And i would have to say that, the fact that people didn't like me in my family bugged me the most.

To make a very long story, very short:

Since i'm an adult, and a mother, people take you much more serious. There was this particular aunt, who for the longest time, i swear, wanted nothing but to make my life hell, and i think because she was so unhappy, making me miserable gave her joy. So anyways, i now live in the same household as she does. And all i ever want in life is to be peaceful. Which she seemed to always hate. But, shes finally turning around, and shes so much more happier. So what the bottom line is (because there is soo much not said here that has gone on between us), shes finally give in to my peace, and shes so happy. Since i've moved into this house, i've brought the house together. There are 8 people who live here.So I'm so happy to say, that jolene is now my friend. She asks my opinion on food, clothes, crafts, plants, and her many other ideas. I can read people more then they would like to know. And believe me, this woman, is so happy, sure she still has some downfalls in her life, but this is a big step for her, as well as me.

I drink. Yes, as you know, i like to have a couple of beers. I have ever since i started drinking. I hate to say this, but all i really have wanted in life, is to get so far out of my mind, to experience something other then being sober. I love anything that will get me messed up for a little bit. (P.S. don't talk to me on the phone while im drunk, you will get some monster that wont even remember talking to you, and ill probably argue with you the WHOLE NIGHT on how trees are neon orange, and how i was the creator of music). But, as you know, its NOT the most important thing to me anymore.

I no longer smoke weed, but if you would have known me back in the day, i could of out smoked you any day. I'm small, but man, i love weed. Eat it, smoke it, grow it. It was all i could ever think about. And all i ever did. Canada sounds better everyday! (Seriously what the fuck happened to the U.S. shit son.)

So what else? if you wanna know something just ask, i will answer honesty, but PLEASE do remember what wont be answered one day, might be answered the next. I require patience, and i give so much out, that if you can't have any with me, i can't coexist with you. But, if your reading this, i already know you have more patience then you know.

Luv always, kat, em, emily, chicken kat, smemily, emily c., Chavez, Trevino, Kathy, Mommy
Peace! *** pics are gone

Sooo...

It's been awhile.

I'm conflicted. With everything.

Here's something I've been watching alot of lately.



If you know me, I'm generally a very mellow person. Peace seeker. A hippie as most would say.

There are to many nights, that seem to be ominous. Threatening. Things are so good, and I feel awkward about that. I keep waiting to see what is about to happen. There is always a calm before a storm. But i guess in some cases not. But i say that, to not jinx myself to bad luck. Like some fool trying to counteract. But i guess just in saying that, I've messed that all up.

Everything seems so pure to me now. So raw. Life has so much to offer. More then love, more then security. What I've learned, so far, in my 23 years, is that love isn't what it seems as it did at 13. Or 23 for that matter. What i feel now, is not how i will feel at 33. That people should be appreciated for what they haven't done, but for heaven sake, for what they have done. No one is perfect. And at some point we all need a little bit of help. Who should be made out to be less of a person for that? I've done my share of leaning, and if you ever need someone to lean on, god damn it, I'm here for you. I see so much beauty in people. In everything we do. Good or bad.

I no longer have time to fight. Or more, I don't have any need for it. Patience is hard to find. I'm glad i have most of it on my side. There is so much more out there for me to explore, and to find out. For once in my life I'm ready for it.

It's extremely hard for me to really put into words how i feel. So over the next few weeks I'm going to try.

So, i guess, love is what you make it. Love isn't something only between a male and female. Or mother and daughter. Or sister and brother.
Love comes in many shapes, and sizes, colors, feelings. The best way to love, is expecting none in return. If your reading this, know i love you in some way or another.

I'm wrapping myself in life. I'm breathing all of it in as i can. I'm happy just to be alive, and watch the sunset, or watch my daughter dance. This earth has so much to offer. Even though it has a lot to be scared of too. Don't be scared. It's okay. We can all get through it together.

Im freakin tired..

Does anyone even read this thing? I think i only gave it out to three people hehe. I'm moving. I've been packing everything i own all day long.... i just found out i was moving today!!.. so now im gonna be stuck with no internet for a little bit..2 weeks at the most im guessing....

I'm kinda sad tho, ill miss this little apartment. But, ill be saving ALOT of money!! yay. so ill have more money for fun stuff. which is awesome, cuz i want to splurge on a little fun im gonna have with someone before he moves out of state (hopefully.. cuz neither of us have cars.. ha!).

and i want a new pair of shoes.. and i found this cool site for clothes for the little lady. you can find so much badass stuff online mmhmm. Okay.. im goin to bed, i gotta get up early.. i have no time to move, but im doin it. this is my last night here :( :*( i hope zoey doesnt mind the move to much :(. she'll be okay, ill just buy her a new pair of socks and she'll be happy :D. okay, just thought i would write real quick.. im tired of packing boxes..wish me luck!!!!!!! ill be back soon to whoever reads this :)

luv always,

kat

haha, this is my monitor...

I colored it with black nail polish, the pic is my kitty named, "Orange". R.I.P. The drawing above that is one I bought from an artist I used to know a million years ago.. robin something. it used to be framed, but zoey got a hold of it....... i want a taco... Whoo HOO i just found out were goin to the park yay!!

yay

Turn it louder.

Close your eyes
Kick up your feet
Wave your arms
Twist your body
Bang your head
Do it slow
Do it fast

It doesnt matter how you do it,
just do it

Dance

ok, i lied, here's a third one, and this one is from today.

i thought it was finally all over
until you gave me a call

i didnt know if i should do you this favor
but i guess i have no choice,
since you thru blackmail into the equation.

a million tears, endless gasps for air
how many times are you gonna hold me under?
and will i always be able to come back

everytime i think im free
you find some way to catch me

when i put this all into words
i realize your a jackass
and im a jackass too

so leave me alone, and ill leave you alone
lets just keep it professional
not personal




i have a million feelings from today. i personaly wish i could climb into a black hole, and hibernate for awhile.

kat

You keep finding new ways to break my heart.

What a shitty day. Here's two poems i wrote a bit ago, neither have anything to do with today. If i wrote anything on how i was feeling right now, you would think i was crazy ;).

i confess i left you a long time ago
but it was a day to late

a part of me has died
in your house

the rest is either lost or running away
dont wait for me, i wont show up

i realize the day is gone
i sat there and regreted

im not dead yet
so ive left your street
patience will show me the way
inspiration has pushed me out

dont wait for me
i want to go
because i wont wait for you
as you go

***

rolling memories
the light of my soul
and your my existance
light it up
shoot it up
tear it up
cross it out
shout it out
let it out

hold onto it
breath onto it
dive into it

dont let go of my eyes
dont let go of your breath

open it up, and let me devour it
im hungry for it
i want it
let me have it

take a chance and let yourself
know something that youve
never thought of knowing before


i want those lips
i want those eyes
i want those hips

climb on top of me
send me wild
show me what ive wanted

what i desire
is for you
that beauty that is a part of you
and a part of me



i think the second one could actually be two that got mashed into one. sowwie.

kat

ugh

ewww i feel like crap.